I have been lulled into a false sense that Spring is on its way with some glorious days recently. With warm sunshine bathing the farm I decided the dew pond needed its annual Spring clean i.e. getting weed removed. In order to do this I have to don fishing waders…..chest high fishing waders. Now fishing waders are not the most fetching item of clothing. Just think of Wallace and Gromit and the wrong trousers and you will have a vision of me in chest high fishing waders. According to the manufacturers they are fully water proof, extra sturdy boots for ease of walking and protection of feet, while the cut of the crotch is extra wide to maximise movement including bending and lifting! However, they failed to mention that good balance is essential. Good balance should have been provided with the waders. Getting into them is an act of agility in itself and let’s face it agility is not a strong point of mine. The boots might be sturdy for ease of walking, but the extra wide cut crotch makes you waddle like a child who has shat itself. On the Heath and Safety front, I decided to wait till my best mate Carolien was here before I ventured into the waters. If I got stuck, sunk or needed to be pulled out, she was there to assist.
The sensation of getting into the water is weird, but the sensation of getting into the mud even weirder. The mud has built up on one side of the pond, so you wander across in nice clear water and then you sink and boy do you sink. At first when you enter the mud you think you have farted! Why? Because suddenly you are surrounded by air bubbles. Even if you had farted you couldn’t have caused the air bubbles, cos the fart would be trapped in the waders. But as the air is released from the mud it not only causes air bubbles, but causes the water to contract the waders around your legs. I am not sure when the sense of being stuck actually registered, but stuck I was. According to the manufacturer’s instructions, they advised you to buy the waders one shoe size bigger than normal. Which is not really good advice when you are stuck in knee high mud, water up to your tits and close to coming over the top of the waders; while your foot has come out of the boot with ease and is somewhere floating in the leg of the wader, while the actual boot is still in the mud. Balance? What ****** balance? No one can have balance, when you are struggling to get your foot back into the boot, while mud drags you down, the pond is farting, the bank is clearly moving away from you as you desperately try to reach it to save you from going under, while your best mate has wet herself laughing on the bank.
Still pond is looking good.